Your Next Favorite Intern

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello, my name is Rachel Halilej and I am a junior at Emerson College. I study Writing for TV and Film, while minoring in Marketing Communications and I need would love a job at your company. I am a leader, proactive and a real team player. I also watched the entire first season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in 12 hours. Wait. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that. Could you just, like, forget you read that? Awesome, thanks so much.

OK, let’s get back on track. I am great in leadership roles. I am the co-editor in chief of an online publication and co-captain of one of Emerson’s intramural quidditch teams. Damn. I am the “co” of a lot of things. Ignore that. I basically run both organizations (sorry Hunter and Lucas, love you both). Despite that “co”, I am a real leader, I promise. For example, one time I led my quidditch team to fame and glory in an intense beer pong battle. I know that doesn’t seem particularly impressive, but you should’ve seen the other team. They had crazy hand eye coordination.

I also do a great job of leading my online publication. I edit articles weekly, offer idea suggestions to my writers and post my own articles a minimum of once a week. I also dodge calls with my supervisor and only write about Gossip Girl (ask me how often I watch the entire series (it’s every 6 months)). Just a couple other ways I am a great leader! I am also an incredibly proactive worker. I started writing this cover letter two days before it was due. TWO WHOLE DAYS! You can’t get much more proactive than that.

I think though the best thing about me is my ability to be a team player. I will do what’s best for the company what you think is best for the company. Even if it’s the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard. Because, at the end of it all, I’m just a lowly intern. I will spend three months buying you coffee, addressing envelops for your daughter’s birthday party. I will spend three months not being paid, but instead paying my college to gain this invaluable “experience” which will undoubtedly get me another unpaid internship when I graduate. More “experience”. I love “experience”.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what school I go to or how quickly I can watch an entire season of television (it’s like super quick though, in case you were wondering). What matters is who I know (my mom’s friend’s husband’s uncle is the CEO of Snapchat. Not really. But that would be helpful), how well I can present myself (or myself from the waist up if it’s a Skype interview) and how quickly I can crawl up your ass and into your heart.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I really hope you consider me for a position at your incredible workplace. Let me know if you have any further questions about my abilities or “experience”.

                                                                                                Best,

                                                                                                Your Next Favorite Intern