Getting Laid is my Forte

“Dude, you hit that?! You’re a legend bro!”, I hear in whispers as I tip-toe past each closed door in the fraternity house. Finally, as composed as a delusional hung-over being can be at 9am after a night of tossing down tequila, vodka, maybe even tequila mixed with vodka (who the hell knows) I find my way to the front doors of the frat. I say a quick prayer to myself “thank you lord for letting me make it out of this house without being seen.” I close the front doors behind me and quickly sniff myself in hopes that the house odor of rotting beer and 6 month old pizza, which is still lingering in my brain, didn’t find a resting spot in my hair. To my delight, sweaty sex is all I can pick up, which is easily removable with a long shower (I let out a sigh of relief).

With my heels and outfit from the night before in hand, I pounce into my chariot (the Uber I called strategically the second I woke up in this foreign land), wearing nothing but a frat shirt I threw on as I quickly hustled out of the kid’s bedroom, because lets be real, there’s no chance in hell I was putting my skin tight jeans and 6 inch heels back on for anybody at 9 in the morning. I can only assume that my facial expression and physical composure depicted the questionable decisions I partook in the previous night, I mean with my hair resembling a bird’s nest, running makeup and a frat shirt on, it was blatantly clear that I wasn’t at the fraternity to play a game of monopoly.

“Was last night a mistake?”, “Is he going to call me back”, “Do I text him first”, “Did I do something wrong” are basic thoughts I predict a typical girl ponders when she has committed the horrifying act of engaging in a one night stand. “You’re such a slut”, “Have some respect for yourself” your friends will murmur after they beg you to describe the sequence of events that ended with you under some dude. Why is it that their so interested, yet the second you spill the deets, the ridicule begins? Well let me share something with you, just a little fun fact, when you leave the frat and the guy you banged tells his roommate all about your game of monopoly, his friends don’t lecture him, they don’t ridicule him, they probably don’t even ask what your name is, instead their conversation goes something like this, “Oh shit, you tapped that?!” “How do you get so much ass dude, you’re the man!”, “I’m definitely trying to get laid tonight!” Basically, there were zero to negative fucks given about you.

On the opposite end of things, the girls huddled in your bedroom are making every last detail of your night revolve around the kid you just had sex with. Low and behold, each night, the cycle repeats itself. Some insecure girl will get drunk, fuck a guy, feel like absolute shit about it afterwards, thanks to the help of her friends and their dedication to the vital differences gender roles play.

I’m going to let you in on a secret, I get ass, not only do I get ass but getting laid is sort of my forte. Now, some may call me a slut, major whore, skank, yeah yeah yeah, I’ve heard it all but there’s a few other phrases I like to use to describe what I do, and I may have borrowed them from some of my male counterparts. “Player”, “Pimp”, “Legend”, do those words ring a bell? So, you’re telling me that a girl and a guy can be doing the same thing to each other at night but the next morning she’s the slut and he’s the baller? Something smells here, and it’s not the sweaty sex I had last night, no, it’s the gender biases that every girl faces when it comes to having intercourse in college. There’s no love involved in the game guys play with girls after a long night at the bar, and all I’m saying is, it’s mutual.

Here’s a little tip for the boys, if you find a girl you booty-called in your room passed 2 am, the absolute last thing either of you two are looking for is love. Is it so hard for guys to believe that we all want the same thing? I’m not here to see if there’s potential for a relationship between us, I’m not here to win you over and make you my lawfully wedded spouse, and I’m not going to call your mother tomorrow and tell her we’re official. GIRLS HAVE NEEDS TOO. Sure, I don’t have a dick that gets hard whenever I see someone hot but I do have a brain, and that brain has urges. So, I have sex all the time, just like guys, I use pickup lines that work, I tell them what they want to hear, I get the deed done and then in the morning, I forget it happened.

At the end of the day, many of us want to feel that skin to skin pleasure without the baggage of an actual relationship and if you ask me, there’s no problem with that. However, the problem starts when guys deem themselves the pimp and girls the hoe. I’d like to flip that page, say ‘fuck you’ to the stigma adopted by society. One night stands aren’t the devil’s work, they're fucking awesome ways for relieving stress as long as you don’t let your emotions get in the way. To all the girl’s out there who feel ashamed for having sex with random dudes here and there, you got this! Just remember the role of pimp and hoe are interchangeable, so next time you find yourself creeping out of a frat house, remember, you’re the pimp and a legend for hitting that.

Nonfiction, WordsBigPimpin