Repressing Negative Memories
A week later id say late/Mid december 2014, somewhere within the the upper west side… I stood in the corner of a luxurious apartment building. I was bent over my knees frantically crying to my best friend on the phone. He couldn’t understand anything I was saying. My mouth rattled from fear, chipping a few teeth, as I tried to speak. The cold thick air and rain began seeping through my dress. It left my legs a light shade of purple, and the sensation of pins and needles all over them. Every bone within me could feel the wrath of this upcoming winter. Still trying to complete a single sentence on the phone, I stand up, holding myself on the black metal rods from the fence. The doorman, with his shiny fucking golden bell. He.. He just stood there looking at me from a distance trying to figure me out. There was sweat randomly building up around my neck. I began going numb on certain parts of my body. Well a cup of cigarette ashes with stale saltine crackers and spit with expired milk- thats how i’d describe the aftertaste I had in my mouth. It was so disgusting, I wanted to throw up every where. My face was hallow and had eyeliner smeared all over each eye. My red lipstick all over my chin and cheeks. Everyone passing me by probably thought I was a housewife or a whore. I had a designer dress on that was not meant for winter apparel and practically exposed my ass cheeks. A diamond necklace belonging to the monster in the apartment I fled, casually hanging from my neck. I hate diamonds, I don’t care for them. I couldn’t even understand why I was there to begin with. What was I looking for? I didn’t need money, i was just so depressed, felt so used, and empty. I’d do anything to distract my feelings. As i tried to start pacing up and down the sidewalk for warmth, I just hung up the phone. I couldn’t continue attempting to talk clearly. All i was doing was stuttering. As much as I didn’t want to go back in the building, I felt I had to. Getting the authorities involved would call too much attention, and my parents would’ve killed me. I didn’t dare look anyone in the eyes as i tried to think of how I could get my things. How can I fly back home? My i.d, money, everything was left inside. On impulse I just decided I would get my things and try to leave. On my way up on the elevator, i could feel the blood in my body, it was not sufficient to keep it running. I knew I needed a blood transfusion months ago, but it wasn’t so urgent at the time. When I reached his floor the walls were caving in, and my heart was beating in funny pattern. I felt a wave of drowsiness settling. Of course he put downers in the wine. For starters, that bottle he pretended to open giving his back to me- tasted funny. I didn’t think much of it then but now I see. As I use my finger tips to guide myself on the side of the wall to keeping me up. A door opens and it’s him. I vaguely remember his face, he looked so common. He was around my fathers age. I do however remember his smile, it was so, so perfect in a wicked way. A smile that left a knot in your stomach with a gut feeling shouting “leave! run!”. I remember that smile because he opened the door with pressed lips and a tightened jaw. Cornering me all the way to his bedroom. Whispering me disgusting things I am too ashamed to even put down on paper, or type. Blaming me for his problems. He made feel so small, unloved, and scared. I always thought I’d be one to yell for help but I go mute. He threw me back on the bed, it smelled of fresh new linen. The walls were this eggshell color, and the room was smelled of cheap vanilla air freshener. He tried to spread my legs a couple of times but I kicked back, I kicked back so hard. I shut my eyes tight and repeated that process until he snapped and threw me on floor. He told me to get my stuff together and to get out. He walked out of his room into another and slammed the door shut. In a panic I just put on pants and threw on a sweater. Put all my shit in my luggage, just threw it in. And I ran, I ran out of there so fucking fast. It was around 6 a.m and I went into a local coffee shop and sat there. Just sat there feeling alone. I never want to feel that way again. The presence of others walking in and out, i felt insignificant to them, useless, and dumb, undeserving of a life. I went to the back table furthest in the corner and organized my luggage, wiped my face clean, drank some coffee, ingested a large amounts of amphetamine. I remember when it began to hit me, it felt like the first time. I felt pretty peaceful and I don’t remember being in the moment. I didn’t care about anything I just - had to focus on breathing. I checked into some random hotel, but I don’t remember how I came to that conclusion, or got there. I just remember laying down looking out the window at the first snow fall of december. From sunrise to sundown I laid there. I was doused in silver glitter, and my pill bottles were on the bed. I thought maybe i fell asleep and woke up? spaced out so hard I forgot i slept? My mouth ached, every tooth felt loose. My lip was bleeding, so I guess i must’ve bitten it. And my tongue, it felt chewed on. I walked to the bathroom and took a shower, I hummed Magic Spells by crystal castles the entire time. I was in the bathroom for about two hours. I didn’t stop, I didn’t allow myself to think. I dressed and went out in the snow in my warm coat. I stood in the middle of park near by, stiff, I felt my brain couldn’t function. I can’t even describe it well. I felt dead, so dead. My best friend was calling desperately and texting but I couldn’t talk. Everything in my life I worked so hard for was gone. My world was flipped upside down and emptied of all things beautiful and peaceful. All the pressure, and traumas earlier in year, right there in that moment just struck me. It was all so much, my eyes were throbbing, I don’t even remember how I got back to my room. I just remember being back inside and everything just goes black for me. No matter how hard i try to think of what could’ve happened, nothing. Blank slates. I woke up with a blurry vision of a dear friend I love, hovering over me, her eyes wide open in panic, she had a cigarette in her hand, and her mother on speaker phone. I was so confused, I didn’t understand anything anyone tried to get across to me for the first ten minutes. She asked me if I felt okay? if i felt any pain at all? I actually felt a bit relieved as if I had slept good 4 hours? She said I woke her up making random noises and she looked over I was having a seizure. It occurred 30 minutes before I woke up around there. She was checking I was still breathing the entire time and was about to call 9-1-1. I sat up feeling so dizzy. I was so lost, confused, fucked up beyond repair. She could tell I was in some sort of crisis. My wrist were banged up, I had lost so much weight, I looked like shit. I looked like some junkie off the street. I was trying to figure out how i checked out? if i did? when did i leave? what day is it? Apparently my best friend texted our friend that I was in the city and needed help. I made my closest friends cry in fear that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Before I ended up at her place i was just ingesting xanax bars for two days straight and i guess starring at the ceiling? I don know. But she came to me and I spent my last day over at her place. I didn’t tell her everything I was going through. I couldn’t even think properly. The day after I had a seizure, I was at la guardia airport sleep deprived entirely sober afraid I’d have some sort of mental break down or black out again. I was feeling so many emotions so much was fleeing in and out and all around none stop. At times my nose bled and eyes went blank. I was unfit for work, school, everything. I freaked out at the slightest bit of loud music. I came back home where my room was my sanctuary. Suddenly I was acting 12 playing with science kits for children, cutting up constructive paper, entirely drunk. I had stashed wine under my bed. I’d say like 12 bottles. Everything I did leading up to january made no sense. I did learn that I am very good at hiding all the pain I feel, and all my problems in person. I could put on an act so sharp, you wouldn’t believe I’d ever gone through any shit. Id be manic for days on end completely sober. I thought I had hit rock bottom but clearly I did not. I was just stalling, waiting for someone to give me a final push. Instead I just woke up after a nap one night and took handful of pills and chugged it with wine. I hit a home fucking run, and went as low, as i could go. The only other choice? would’ve been to not have had the option to wake up. I was in the hospital getting an urgent transfusion, under suicide watch. I felt safe for once. For the first time in a year. I felt it within me- i was going to try so hard to work my way back up to the person I once was. That if I was given another chance, i’d take it. Life is worth living even if all we do is suffer, what are we without life? nothing, as far as we are aware, were nothing, we cease to exist. You and I, your pets, valuable items, they mean nothing. Were all gonna die anyways, so why quit early, when you can keep trying, experiencing, and growing. I promise you its better to feel something, than nothing at all. And wise to love yourself before others as well.