To the Ones Who Judge Me:
To the ones who judge me, label me, and question my scars out of complete arrogance.
I forgive you.
I’ve forgiven you a long time ago.
You don’t understand and that’s okay. You don’t understand what it’s like to be so compassionate, so empathetic, that you can’t trouble others with your own troubles, your own emotions. You don’t understand the emotion, the numbness, and the desperation for relief. You don’t know the relief that comes at the end of a razor blade.
And I don't want you to know. Ever.
What I want you to understand is that this is real. This is not for attention, and this is not a reflection of weakness. I want you to understand that this is not a joke. I felt alone in a world that has seven billion people. I am one of an estimated one million people that have suffered, and still continue to suffer. I want you to understand that this is more than just an action. It is an addiction.
Most of my adolescent and teen years were spent dissolved in something I chose to do, but I had no control over. I have always been embarrassed over the emotions I did not know how to feel. I am ashamed of the results those emotions left engraved on my body.
I never wanted to cut, truthfully. But once I started, I felt I could not stop. It helped me, but when the pain ended, the emotions still came back. I didn’t want anyone to know about my addiction, but deep down I knew I was in over my head.
The first time I told someone, I was told I was disgusting. The second time I told someone (years later), I was told there are bigger problems in the world than my own.
I won’t ever forget that.
It wasn’t until over six years later, I told someone again. And this time, they understood.
It’s been a year since I last picked up my razor. And my life has never been better.
Now, I want to make sure no one endures what I did. No one deserves to feel like I, and many others have felt.
So, to those that have told me to leave my self injury in the past. I won’t. I can’t leave it in the past and I won’t forget it either. A person cannot forget a memory that was once a comfort, an instinct. A memory cannot be forgotten, if you are reminded every time you look at your arms, legs, stomach, and hips of the help you wanted so badly.
I won’t forget and I will talk about it. I have no desire to discuss my experiences or struggles, but I will talk in awareness to prevent myself and prevent others from falling into this life absorbing habit. I suffered nine years too long; my scar on my upper right arm should have never happened at all.
And most importantly, to those who are currently suffering from self-injury—it does get better. Life gets so much better. I will not lie to you, the past year has been the hardest year of my life—unexpected downfalls, unknown triggers, and even contemplative relapse. But, despite all the struggles, this year has been the best year of my life. I have filled the void of cutting with things that do more for me than cutting ever did. I found my voice, and I no longer rely on the pain. For all of the unknown, painful emotions I felt before, I feel something else unknown now.
I feel myself.
If you, or someone you know show signs of self injury, please seek help immediately. You are not alone in this world. Someone cares; I care. You are not alone.
For urgent emergency due to self injury please call 911.
Visit http://www.selfmutilatorsanonymous.org for SMA (Self Mutilators Anonymous) meetings in your area.
1-800-273-TALK – A 24-hour hotline for Self injuries and close relations.
To Write Love On Her Arms (http://www.TWLOHA.com) -Nonprofit Organization which fund for awareness, treatment, and support for Self injury.
1-800-334-HELP – Self Injury Foundation's 24-hour national crisis line.
1-877-332-7333 –Teenage 24 hour Self Injury Hotline.
For more information on self injury please visit or call: