USP - Day 6
I've been getting this thing recently, this pounding in my ears. Like hiccups, but just two quick heart beats right against my left ear drum. Might be a blood pressure thing but I haven't had time to google it.
I feel ashamed to be myself. I feel isolated in my awfulness.
In the narrative of my life, I'm the villain. I get in the way of my own success. I play a caricature of myself in order to be liked and then scold myself when it doesn't work.
"Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber came on in the Lyft ride home.
I cried to it and turned my head towards the window. I didn't want the other people on my Lyft Line to know that I was crying to a Justin Bieber song.
When I hear songs waxing negatively about someone, I never get vengeful and think about some enemy of mine. Instead, I think about who might be singing it about me. I think about the ways I have wronged them and I feel intense shame. And then I feel shame for being some kind of self-centered fuck who makes everything about themselves, even mean songs.
The core of me is ugly and rotten and when someone catches a glimpse of it I'm fucked. They know my secret and they will sing along to Love Yourself or Caroline or some catchy but awful song about how awful I am. And worst of all, they'll be right.
I do not feel loved in the slightest; any love that comes to me I repel in order to protect everyone involved. I do not deserve love and so I don't want it.
And I know this self pity serves no one. I know. But I'm trying to improve upon myself and still I only get worse. I try, and I try, and I try, and I god damned try. But what I'm left with is ugly, smudged bright purple lipstick, exes who think I'm a piece of shit, and friends that would almost always rather be somewhere else.