USP - Day 9
Thinking about how getting older means realizing over and over again that you’re far more complicated than you thought.
That everyone is.
Like, I thought I was this one person, and now I’m still that person, but also kind of the opposite.
I’ve always thought I was social and extroverted. A person whose biggest talent is making friends. And here I am, almost 21, rolling in friendships. I’ve made it my number one goal to connect with people and invest in others.
But suddenly those investments are beginning to feel burdensome. I’m burnt out. I don’t want to be this character I’ve mastered. This goofy girl who’s always free to chat, always down to hang. Who can never just disappear.
I can’t be her right now. Maybe later but not right now.
Right now I need a break. I need to be alone for like, a month straight. I need to recharge.
Yet somehow I feel like this makes me a liar. Like my need for solitude contradicts everything I know about myself, all of the self-assigned stereotypes that only keep me from actually listening to me.
It’s also possible that I’m just psychoanalyzing myself to the point where generalizations only serve to complicate. Personhood is super contradictory and dynamic, there’s no way to generalize it or package it up into something digestible.
I’m telling you! This shit - the existence shit - is exhausting. My inner monologue confuses me more than anything else. It keeps saying all this shit about who I am and why that’s bad or good and deducing all of these theories about my psyche without much evidence at all. And the whole time I’m over here wondering who the hell signed off on all of this. Cause it certainly wasn’t me!