USP - Day 16
Bored in my hometown, I've been browsing through old diary entries. I found one from February 9th, 2016 that feels relevant now.
"Today, I complimented a stranger's shoes on the T. He complimented my nose ring. We looked at each other for a moment, and suddenly an overwhelming fear swept over me. Panicking, I dove into my backpack and began reading a book. Anything to distract.
I think this is why I haven't written in months. Fear of looking things in the eye. I've been trying to avoid prolonged eye-contact with most things in my life at all costs. It terrifies me. I've been too muddy, too confused, too anxious, too sorrowful, too joyful, to be thoughtful."
Reading this reminded me that often, writers-block isn't a lack of ideas. It can be the fear of unscrewing the cap on your feelings. Thoughts and confessions and the reality of your brain exploding all over you. Drenching you when you've stayed dry for so long.
My P.E teacher in 7th grade used to talk about a certain point during any exercise, where you feel gross and icky and you want nothing more than to give up. She said that once you reach that point it's a good thing, because once you push past it, the feeling will subside and you'll sprout a new energy and feeling of determination.
I never really get that with exercise. I pretty much want to quit the whole time. But I'm going to apply that concept to writing. And I like this project I'm doing in that it forces me to create daily, even when I don't want to. Creating when you don't want to can be cool because you're forced to confront the real honest reason why you don't feel like creating.
For me, hesitation to create is usually a fear of looking things in the eye, like that guy on the T on February 9th. Connecting with myself, noticing the detailing of my thoughts, taking my feelings and putting them outside of me - all of these things mean seeing me and being seen. It's scary. But getting past the icky point is essential and rewarding. I hope.