USP - Day 23

Ambition is so strange. Ambition, and laziness, and passion, and drive… I never felt ambitious growing up. I never felt like a go-getter. I was always disorganized, not doing my homework, showing up late to things. But now I’m like, notoriously ambitious. If you asked any current friend of mine what I’m like, I’m sure they’d throw in something about how many responsibilities I take on or all the projects I’m constantly doing.

What the hell is that about? How did it change so quickly? What was unlit whose sudden spark ignited something so furious in me? 

I’m so grateful for it, whatever it is. I used to be so afraid that no matter how much I loved my art, I’d never be able to be successful because I just wasn’t ambitious.

I think it’s that desire itself that motivated me. I can’t let anything, innate or otherwise, get in the way of what I love. I’ll go down fighting for the loved thing each and every time.

It also comes from the fact that I finally am actually able to do the things I love.

No matter how much shit I give my school (all of which it deserves, that classist wasteful institution), I am damn grateful to be here, surrounded by so many talented, passionate artists.

Though I think it would’ve happened some point along my path anyways. Finding a community and getting exposure to art and living on your own and discovering yourself is an opportune formula.

I never had drive because I never understood the lofty things I could have it for. Grades didn’t matter to me too much, classes were only so interesting and the confines of art taught to kids is pretty strict and uninspiring. I knew I wanted to be an artist, I enjoyed making art, but I didn’t find ambition until the bounds of what I could make were broken.

Now that I know how much is out there, and now that I have my own ideas about what should be in the world, I’m frantic to create. I actually can’t relax (and it’s a problem that I’m working on)

It took specificity to find passion.

When I was a kid the motivation came from “this is what I want my job to be”. But an artist’s motivation never comes from the sheer desire to exist in the world as an artist - it comes from the desire to create something brand new and release it into an unsuspecting world.

I found my ambition when I started thinking in terms of “this is what I want to exist”.

Nonfiction, WordsTeeth