USP - Day 1
I feel so far away from love.
I’ve been thinking about the distance lately. It’s been so long since I’ve felt love or even its evidence in the sting of heartbreak. Which I’m grateful for, in a way. I hardly have time for the thing.
But what sticks with me is the distance on all sides. The past and the present and the future. It feels farther and farther every day, exponentially, until I remember feeling love like it was an infiniti ago and won’t feel it for another infiniti and a half.
A friend reminded me that I am surrounded by all sorts of love, so many manifestations. It’s true, but sometimes our brains fuck with us and make that love feel really far away too. They tell us that we’re undeserving of it, and that it only exists because we’ve tricked people into loving us somehow.
This isn’t true. The love is real, it’s there, it’s warm and ready for you. I think at least. It’s what I keep telling myself in order to make it past this sort of empathetic exhaustion, my state of being too emotionally worn down to have any desire to invest in something that could potentially let me down.
Hoping that it’s okay if I just sit back for a little while and invest in myself. Feel love as a personal thing rather than a projectile one.
Knowing that realistically, the people who love me will stick around and let me invest in relationships slowly and in my own way.
Maybe none of this makes sense. That’s cool, that’s fine. I’m going to be all over the place this summer, in all senses of the term. So here I am, showing up every day and holding myself accountable for my own introspection and time to digest.
It’s the first day of summer. For me, at least. And today’s mood board is - my soft body, grey, yellow, and emptiness. And being cool with the emptiness because you know it’s temporary.