USP - Day 40

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Sorry I’ve skipped days here and there.

I started this project at a time during which I spent mostly in my head. I never thought about how nice it might be to not be in my head. Oh well. So it goes.

Do you ever feel like everyone on the street is staring at you? Or just looking. Too hard, a moment too long.

Today in therapy, I thought about Alex Althaus, a bully I had in elementary school. I was also in love with him.

He called me “fat princess”. When I mentioned this to Dr. Kristin Black, she laughed and said “could he more obviously outline his internal conflict?”

I thought about this. How he bullied me but also had a crush on me. I thought about how it might play into my polarized romantic self - cold but needy, confused and consumed.

When people stare at me on the street, I’m never sure - am I audaciously ugly? Am I stunningly gorgeous?

I think I’m both, probably, but the intersection of the two leaves me defiant of those who love me - prove to me you’re staring for the right reasons. Prove to me that you want me - not those other girls, those beauty queens, those artists and lovers and gorgeous creatures who you know why you stare at.

Words, NonfictionTeeth