USP - Day 47
Addiction runs in my family. Lot’s of manifestations. A common one is gambling. My sister mentioned that on the phone when I called her today and began to rationalize my lack of self control. A certain toxic figure wanted back into my life, and though I truly should’ve learned by now, I was explaining to her, arguing even, why it maybe wasn’t such a bad idea idea afterall. The whole time I was achingly aware of the logical truth. Even if it would be the hardest thing ever, I had to look out for myself. There was a clear pattern and it was about to fool me twice, or thrice, or whatever the equivalent is for being fooled five times.
Why is protecting yourself sometimes the hardest thing?
How strong a potion dopamine must be. We throw our own well-being under the bus for the rush. Again and again. A hard, fast rush, and then crushing emptiness.
My relatives have gambling problems and we rationalize things the same way. They gamble money, I bet my heart. This time, this time, this time, I’ll be untouchable.